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U.V.
Pilot Episode:
Burnt Peach
Written by
K. Brian Neel, James Pargulski, Paul Shipp
Copyright ©2007
Second Draft (white) 6/13/07
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
1 EXT. exotic beach paradise - day 1
A very tanned CHIC sits in a cabana lounge chair. Waves gently pulsate on the beach behind him.
CHIC
Hi, this is Chic Nightingale of Tan Deluxe. Did you know that tanning really didn’t come into vogue until Coco Chanel made it fashionable in 1919?
Close up on Chic.
CHIC (cont’d)
Now I don’t know who Coco Chanel was, but I can tell you you’ll get one heck of a tan at Tan Deluxe.
Pan out.
CHIC (cont’d)
Stop in at any one of our locations before the end of this month and take advantage of our “two to tan” special.
Chic holds up a toucan shaped card. A sexy bikini-clad beauty walks into frame. She holds an exotic cocktail out for him, holding it out for him.
CHIC (cont’d)
Bring a friend and you both tan for the price of one. A tan-delicious deal if you ask me.
Chic takes a sip from the straw. Tan Deluxe logo spins out of umbrella in drink. Theme music plays.
DISSOLVE TO: OPENING CREDITS
2 Close up old black & white television 2
This commercial plays out: now an exterior of a strip mall, centering on the sign reading "Tan Deluxe, Home of the Edsel Tan".
Pan out to view the old television in the corner of:
3 INT. TANNING SALON LOBBY – DAY 3
MERV, a regular, sits on the couch watching the show.
Merv
The commercial was on, Rachel.
Camera view moves to show the entire lobby. RACHEL sits behind the counter engrossed in Camus’ "The Fall."
Rachel
Great.
Merv
The model was nicely tan.
The main glass door opens, tinkling a set of hanging bells. A young, pregnant blonde, SUSIE, enters and walks to the counter. She smacks gum.
RACHEL
Welcome to Tan Deluxe. How may I help you?
SUSIE
I need a deep tan immediately.
RACHEL
Okay.
SUSIE
Daddy's decided to insert himself in my life after four years. He's flying me and Djonny to Cabo Friday. ‘Wants to meet the father?
RACHEL
Father?
Rachel leans over the counter and sees her round belly.
RACHEL
I see.
SUSIE
(Blowing a bubble and popping it with her tongue.)
Family. What'dya do?
RACHEL
(Shrugs)
Get a tan?
Susie leans forward, putting her arms on the desk, next to Rachel's.
SUSIE
I wouldn't be caught dead all... pale.
They both look down and notice Rachel's bright, milk-white skin next to Susie’s already tan skin.
SUSIE
Well, in Cabo.
Rachel pulls out medical brochure from a display case on the counter and slides it towards Susie.
RACHEL
According to research, the ultraviolet light in tanning beds is two to three times more dangerous than the UVA light we receive from the sun on Earth. There is a strong link between tanning and malignant melanoma, damaged immune systems, cataracts, dangerous photosensitivity reactions, and premature aging.
SUSIE
What's your point?
RACHEL
Are you sure you want to tan in this state?
SUSIE
(Thinks)
California?
(pause)
Yea. Why not?
RACHEL
Aside from the dangers I just listed, there may be additional damage to your child.
SUSIE
Will she tan too?
RACHEL
I don't know. Regulations allow only two-20 minute sessions per week. I'm afraid you're not going to get a deeper tan before you leave this Friday.
SUSIE
Well, why don’t I do my two sessions today and then come in tomorrow for another two?
RACHEL
Hmm … you can only DO two a week, which means one today and one tomorrow ‘cause the next day is Friday and you’re going to Cabo, correct?
SUSIE
But you said I have two TWENTY minute sessions, which is forty, so I’ll do forty today and forty tomorrow.
RACHEL
No, you only have forty total, but you can only do twenty a day.
SUSIE
Word up goth girl: after I tan here, I’m driving to TanTastic downtown, and then to Orbit Tan, and then to Body Wave, for another tan, so you might as well let me do, what, three hours here. I mean, more money for you right?
RACHEL
Seriously, that’s not a good idea.
SUSIE
Your boss will love you.
RACHEL
I am my boss.
On the counter a red light on a board blinks on and off.
Rachel
What the...? Excuse me.
She walks toward the hallway.
Rachel
Merv, did you tan in number 2 today?
Merv
Not tanning today, Rachel.
Rachel
Then make yourself at home, Merv.
Merv
Thanks, Rachel.
She completes her exit. Susie rolls her eyes. HUMBOLDT walks in the front glass door.
HUMBOLDT
I love the smell of tan in the morning.
He notices Susie at the counter, her back to him, she looks like a hot babe. He saunters over to her.
HUMBOLDT
Welcome to Tan Deluxe. Is there anything I can...
She turns. He sees her baggage.
HUMBOLDT
...sookay, that’s a big... tanning opportunity.
susie
That’s what I’ve been trying to get here.
HUMBOLDT
Well then, let’s get you into a room.
He jumps over the counter, but his bulk causes him to trip, almost racking himself. He ends up crawling around the side.
HUMBOLDT
Okay. Let’s see here.
He grabs at stuff, absently searching.
HUMBOLDT
How does this... Just looking... for...
He pulls out a book
HUMBOLDT
The book. A schedule? Yes, let’s see. Tanning Room number 1 is free all day.
susie
I want 2 hours.
HUMBOLDT
Two hours. Okay.
susie
Three hours.
HUMBOLDT
Three hours s’good. Whatever you need. Customer is always right.
susie
Four hours!
HUMBOLDT
Four,sold!
A car pulls up outside and honks.
HUMBOLDT
Excuse me for a moment.
As he starts to leave, he notices the rack of product.
HUMBOLDT
(gesturing)
Help yourself to a complimentary tanning lotion. There’s Tropical Melan Ball, uh, or coconut.
He exits, gets in the car, which drives off. Rachel re-enters from the back.
rachel
Sorry, there’s been some freak irregularity in Tanning Room 2 all day. Thanks for waiting. I have 20 minutes open for you in Tanning Room #1.
susie
I reserved 4 hours from your manager.
RACHEL
My manager?
susie
Your boss, I mean. Don’t you know your own boss?
Rachel looks around. No one is there except Merv.
RACHEL
That’s Merv. He’s not my manager. He’s just... Merv.
susie
Not him, the guy who just left in that car. Your manager!
rachel (thinks)
Was he tan?
susie
No.
rachel
Was he thin?
susie
No, he was a spaz.
rachel
(Beginning to realize)
Did he have kind of a square head?
susie
Yea.
rachel
Thin eyes? Daft expression?
susie
Huh?
rachel
Clueless.
susie
Yea, kind of.
Humboldt appears, walking from up the sidewalk. He enters, holding the door for someone.
rachel (seeing Humboldt)
Comes across like a jellyfish sucking mental midget with the personal charm of an earthworm.
humboldt
Hi sis.
FOSTER starts to enter after Humboldt carrying a big box.
rachel
Hello Hummer.
Just as Foster is about to enter the held-open-door, Humboldt angrily goes to Rachel, closing the door on Foster’s box.
humboldt
Don’t call me that, Rachel. My name is Humboldt.
Foster struggles with the box. It’s stuck in the door.
rachel
What are you doing here?
HUMBOLDT
Nothing.
rachel
Nothing? Scheduling a pregnant woman for four hours of tanning is nothing?
HUMBOLDT
What’s wrong with that? (sotto voce) Think of the money I just made.
Foster gets under the box, crawling inside.
rachel
There are health issues, Hummer.
HUMBOLDT
Don’t call me that.
rachel
Legal issues, Hummey.
HUMBOLDT (through smiling, gritting teeth)
Humboldt.
rachel
Physical issues, Humster.
She grabs him by the lapel, pulling him to the counter.
rachel
These are my customers. If you want to harass me, do it on personal time. This is MY place of business? Now butt out, Humm!
Foster is in. He holds the box from the inside side, kicks the door open and pulls the box in with him.
humboldt (smirkily)
Are you sure?
rachel
Yes, I’m sure.
humboldt
I mean, about the “my business” part.
rachel
What are you talking about? I’ve been running this place for five years now.
HUMBOLDT
Well, not any more. There’s a new sheriff in town.
RACHEL
And who is that Andy Griffith, you? You can’t even dress yourself.
HUMBOLDT
What’s wrong with the way I dress?
RACHEL
For one thing you have too many ponies leaving the barn.
HUMBOLDT
What?
Rachel tightlipped with arms folded looks down at his crotch to his open fly. Humboldt follows her gaze and quickly zips up.
HUMBOLDT
Yea? Well look at you.
RACHEL
What about me?
HUMBOLDT (searching)
You … you … have no direction. You've never had direction.
Foster turns to carry the box inside, but runs into Susie who’s going for the lotions.
RACHEL
And you have direction?
Box to belly, Foster and Susie dose-do a couple times.
HUMBOLDT
Yes. I have direction.
RACHEL
Yea, like a compass in a magnet factory, needle spinning like it’s having spasmodic seizures.
HUMBOLDT
At least they're directions. I mean ….
Eventually, Foster and Susie circle each other which does the trick.
SUSIE
(To Foster as he sets box down off to sideAre there directions on those tanning beds?
RACHEL
I HAVE direction.
Foster shrugs in answer to Susie.
HUMBOLDT
What, dropping out of high school? Being a receptionist at daddy's crappy little tanning salon?
Susie grabs a bottle of tanning lotion off the rack and hands it to Foster to hold.
RACHEL
Oh, and now the salon is crappy? Look kudzu brain, at least I wouldn’t turn my first client into a barbequed blowfish. Besides, if I don't want more, I don't have to have more, Humboldt. I like it here.
Susie strips right in the lobby down to butt-floss string bikini; fleshy belly popping out for all to see.
RACHEL (gesturing towards Susie)
People come here to bask in their obscene delusions of outer beauty. It’s very entertaining to me.
Merv sees Susie. Bug-eyed he stands, loosing almost entire control, starring at her flesh. CUT TO:
4 pov — Merv cam 4
Distorted video from Merv’s perspective, focused in close-up on Susie’s ass. His gutteral moaning can be discerned:
merv
Uh, uh, uh …
Susie turns to face him, belly in full splendor
MERV CAM
Pans from breasts to belly, up and down several times.
Susie snaps her gum with a disdaining look at him.
merv (in falsetto voice, as if having a heart attack)
Ahhh! Mother!
RACHEL (off camera)
Merv! Down!
CUT BACK TO:
5 INT. TANNING SALON LOBBY – DAY 5
Merv stops, returns to the couch to watch t.v.
HUMBOLDT
O.K., you’re doing a great job here, Rach. But, see, I'm a business man. Like dad.
RACHEL
Dad's a business man?
HUMBOLDT
A very successful business man. Dad's rich.
RACHEL
Inherited, Hummer, it's all family money.
HUMBOLDT
Then why won't he give it to us?
RACHEL
Because he has eighteen children from Gods' know how many marriages and barely has enough wealth to live out his own life in the exorbitant style he's accustomed.
Susie
(To Foster)
Can you show me to Tanning Room #1?
HUMBOLDT
I’ll show him my capabilities...
RACHEL
...He'll let you in on the dough.
Foster shrugs. He turns to the bickering siblings.
HUMBOLDT
On the business, yes.
RACHEL
Repair manuals are more interesting than you, Hummer.
HUMBOLDT
I'll take the family fortune and make it an empire. I'm talking Trump.
RACHEL
Trump?
HUMBOLDT
I want a tower.
RACHEL
Trump has eight.
HUMBOLDT
Eight's good.
Foster slowly walks up to them.He tries to interrupt, but can’t get their attention. Humboldt is pacing during this next monologue and Foster keeps trying to politely get around him, ducking and dodging Humboldt’s swinging arms.
HUMBOLDT
See Rachel, I’m running this place now. I'm going to turn this rinky-dink outfit into a thriving international salon franchise. from Tan Deluxe to Super... Solar... Glowing... Master... Tan. Master Tan, that's a good name. See, I'm management now, Rachel. You are the receptionist. Understand?
Rachel is stunned speechless. Susie in the background.
foster
Excuse me, where’s Tanning Room #1?
Susie smacks her gum loudly
FADE TO COMMERCIAL.
Act 2
6 INT. TANNING ROOM One — AFTERNOON 6
CLOSE-UP: lotion squirted into an open palm. PAN OUT: Foster holds the tan lotion bottle in the other hand, still squeezing, but he’s looking forward at something else with a shocked expression on his face. PAN OUT TO MIDSHOT, Foster sets down the bottle without looking at it, still intent on some horror. PAN OUT farther and we see the reason for his shock: Suzie is lathering her protruding belly with gobs of lotion, going to town with both hands.
SUZIE
I think it’s great my baby’s going to get a tan. They always look so pale and, like, shriveled when they come out. Not you, little man. Mama loves her little Laguna Beach baby.
Pause, she imperceptibly acknowledges the presence of Foster, behind her.
SUZIE
Is my back done yet?
Foster jerks to reality. He registers the mound of goop in his hand, but decides to proceed. He disgustedly splats his palm into her back. Suzie continues to chat with her belly.
SUZIE
We’re going straight from the hospital to the beach, little man. Find you a little babe.
She giggles. Foster gets more intent at massaging her back.
SUZIE
Ooh, that feels good. You’re fingers are like… oh. It’s like your hands are… oh. You’re like… oh.
FOSTER
Masseuse training. In Greece.
SUZIE
Okay, I’m ready.
She looks expectantly. Foster is oblivious, then snaps into gear and goes to the tanning bed. He reaches to open the lid, but realizes his hands are greasy. He turns and notices the towels, but they are Suzie’s. He looks at her for permission, but she just smacks her gum. He looks back at the machine. Back to her. She’s waiting. An idea sparks: he wedges his elbow under the bar and lifts. He’s pleased as it opens. But then it slowly drifts closed. He uses both elbows. It opens, and closes again. Both elbows and his butt and shoulders almost get it, but his head pushing under does the trick. It seems to stay open. Just in case, Foster stares it down. It’s open for good.
FOSTER
You’re pallét, mademoiselle.
SUZIE
Oh, I love French. (In French) Voulez vous couchez avec moi, ce soir? (subtitle: Will you go to bed with me, tonight?)
FOSTER
(In French) A tantalizing offer, madam; however pardon me if I pass..
SUZIE (having no idea what Foster said)
(In French) Gitchi, gitchi ya, ya, da, da. (In English) That’s all I know.(but giggles proudly)
She waddles to the table and tries to get on. This proves difficult: leaning forward, her belly is too bulky, and when she turns around, her butt is too low to get up on the glass. Foster approaches her to help. He reaches out to her and immediately questions this action.
FOSTER
Eh… ye… umm… may… I assist? You?
SUZIE
Sure.
He grabs her shoulders and lifts. His hands shoot off her like a slip-and-slide. He reaches around to hug her and lift, but can’t make it around. She smacks her gum. He reaches down to push her ass up, but… no. He clasps his hands, that’s a good idea—he kneels and offers her a stirrup. She gets it immediately and puts a foot upon his hands. It shoots out like a wet bar of soap, and she falls off balance, having to sit on Fosters head to steady herself. They fumble and flail, slipping like two greased pigs. Foster ends up on the floor on all fours in front of her and she steps on his back boosting herself up and ends up sitting up on the bed. As she lies down Foster puts his hands on the bed to push himself up, but she lays on his handstrapping his face flat against her belly. He pulls away with one last splat, and makes to pat her stomach: yep, it’s safe and sound. He steps away to catch his breath, noticing his greased up shirt
Suzie, meanwhile, takes one last chew of the gum, spits it into her fingers, and presses it on the side of the tanning bed lid. With a big sigh, she lays down.
SUZIE
Tan me. (Giggle.) Tan us.
Without a thought, Foster grabs a towel, wipes his hands, and tosses it carelessly away. He saunters to the bed, and tries to close the lid. But… her belly is too large. She pivots a bit and he tries again. No go.
FOSTER
I’m sorry. It won’t close.
A quiet whimpering emerges from Suzie, rising to a sob, becoming a full on cry, then suddenly shifts to demonic anger:
SUZIE
I NEED A TAN! (Regular voice.) Got it?
FOSTER
Got it.
She grabs her gum, pops it into her mouth, and lays back down. He surveys the room, then intently examines the tanning bed: TERMINATOR-TYPE MONTAGE: close-up of his eyes, close-up door hinge, close-up fingers stroking the trim, etc. It ends abruptly with:
FOSTER
Dubai pipeline. I can do this. Piece o’ cake.
CAMERA FOLLOWS Foster as he walks out of the room, emerging into the hallway. He passes Rachel and Humboldt who are still at it as he rushes to the lobby.
7 INT. — HALLWAY — AFTERNOON 7
RACHEL
Dammit, Hummer! Why are you doing this? You always get everything. Like when you graduated from elementary school and Dad took you to Europe, and when I graduated he gave me a piece of luggage.
HUMBOLDT
Gucci luggage. He didn't want to travel with you, Rachel. You were always difficult. It's true. You know it. I was the quiet baby—lovable baby. You were a disagreeable baby—rebellious baby. You were colicky.
RACHEL
Do you even know what colic is?
HUMBOLDT
(Thinks.)I don't have kids. Yet.
RACHEL
Goddess forbid.
HUMBOLDT
Goddess?
RACHEL
Look, Hummer, I've been here for five years. I know this place like the back of my hand.
Foster walks into purview, a rope on his shoulders.
FOSTER
Do you have a hanger?
Rachel opens a closet that is behind them. Humboldt hurriedly shoves her out of the way, reaches in and grabs a plastic hanger. Foster looks puzzled. Rachel suavely reaches in and pulls out a wire hanger, holds it up. Foster takes it and walks on.
FOSTER
Thank you.
HUMBOLDT
So?
RACHEL
Dad said I could have this.
HUMBOLDT
Not have, work.
RACHEL
Manage.
HUMBOLDT
Now I manage.
RACHEL
You couldn’t manage diaper changing time at a nursery.
HUMBOLDT (smugly)
I have a college degree, Rach. (pause) Will have. July. I have to pass English 101.
RACHEL
Oh my Goddess.
Foster passes again, holding a huge scoop light.
RACHEL
Who is that?
HUMBOLDT
Foster? I hired him to assist me.
RACHEL
You hired him!?
HUMBOLDT
Found him on Craig’s List.
RACHEL
You hired a gay guy from Craig’s list.
HUMBOLDT
He’s not gay.
RACHEL
Hummer, he’s gay.
HUMBOLDT
He’s not gay.
Foster passes by again carrying a lid from another tan-bed.
FOSTER
I am gay (or Yes I am).
Foster goes into the tanning room where Suzie resides. The door closes.
In the background seen through the huge front pane-window, a car speeds into view, slamming into a parked car with an explosive crash. Everyone in the lobby turns and freezes, gazing upon the event in shock, yet still doing nothing. Rachel breaks the spell:
RACHEL
I need teriyaki. Then we’re calling dad.
She exits the front door and walks down the sidewalk, out of view. Humboldt stands confused.
HUMBOLDT
He’s not gay.
FADE TO COMMERCIAL (INTEGRATED INTO SHOW)
Lucsious peaches cascade into a large dessert glass in slow motion. Cream pours over the peaches.
CUT TO:
8 INT. LOBBY — AFTERNOON 8
SHOT OF COMMERCIAL ON THE TELEVISION. Pullout to see Merv watching the commercial.Humboldt walks across the lobby to the couch facing the television. Merv is sitting on the left side of the couch mesmerized by the television. : RETURN TO COUCH. Merv is almost salivating. Humboldt, still agitated, sits on the couch a spot or two away from Merv,.
HUMBOLDT
(to a non-existent person)So I didn’t know he’s gay. So my “gaydar” isn’t working today! And why should I care if he’s gay? Who cares if he’s gay? I hired a “person”. That’s all that matters to me. A person who’s worlds better than you, Rachel my dear. I can tell right now. The salon’s in better hands now with me and him.
Humboldt takes a breath and finally notices Merv.
HUMBOLDT
Who are you?
MERV
(still focused on the television)Delicious.
HUMBOLDT (not registering Merv’s reply)
Forgive my outburst. Not too professional, I admit.
MERV
Tasty.
HUMBOLDT
My sister just knows how to push my buttons. My sister is Rachel, the woman behind the desk.
MERV
Succulent.
HUMBOLDT
(a slight chuckle)I called her a woman. She’s still a girl. A big baby.
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL (full screen) of peach orchard and workers picking fruit and putting in baskets.
Voice over
Peaches. Picked in August. Ripe, firm, bursting with flavor and sweetness.
CUT BACK TO:
Merv’s face totally enthralled by the commercial.
HUMBOLDT
I HATE it when she calls me Hummer! But, I guess that falls under the “How Rachel pushes my buttons” category.
MERV (sotto voce to TV)
Yes, not too soft. Just a bit of crispness as you bite into it. You buy a peach in September and really have to watch out for the soft ones. They don’t even make a good pie.
HUMBOLDT
Not that I love my given name, Humboldt. A lapse in judgment during Dad’s winemaking period. And “NO!” to all you stoners; I am not the king of killer green bud! Thanks Dad! What a family!
MERV
Oh pie!. Many textures, hard and soft. Sweet and savory. Soft gooeyness embraced with a firm yet tender crust.
HUMBOLDT
I want to wipe the smugness from her face. I am not blind, Rachel! Hummer! Hummer! I know it’s not a sports utility vehicle, Rachel!
MERV
What I would give for a piece of warm peach pie and a cup of coffee.
HUMBOLDT
Yeah, your brainless brother is going to be your boss whether you like it or not. And this Neanderthal is going to make this salon a profitable venture! So help me, God!
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL (full screen) gloved hands pulling a hot peach pie out of an oven.
Voice over
Delectibly sweet. Good anytime day or night.
CUT BACK TO:
CU of Merv’s eyes wide open.
MERV
Yessssss!
HUMBOLDT
(back to earth)Rachel is such a…
MERV
PEACH!
V/O COMMERCIAL
Del Monte Peaches. Delicious.
BOTH slowly turn and see each other for the first time.
Act 3
9 INT. BACK CLOSET/OFFICE. — DAY 9
Rachel is eating teriyaki. Humboldt enters with the portable phone.
RACHEL
I’m eating.
HUMBOLDT
I’m calling dad.
RACHEL
When I’m done eating.
He stands there. She takes a bite. They stare at each other. Rachel takes another bite. Very slowly. Humboldt watches. She takes another slow bite. They stare at each other as she chews. Very slowly he raises the phone. She stops chewing, eyes him disapprovingly, and then continues chewing… very slowly. Humboldt matches his raise to her chew. When she stops, he stops. Then matches his finger button pressing to her putting bites of food to her mouth. With each button press, the cadence increases. Soon he is madly pressing numbers (clearly an international call) to Rachel shoveling noodle after noodle into her mouth.
Rachel rises and goes to Humboldt. She reaches for the phone but he doesn’t let go. They struggle, pulling themselves together. They end up huddled ear to ear, Rachel’s cheeks bulging like a chipmunk’s.
HUMBOLDT
Hi dad. It’s Humboldt.
RACHEL
Hmmf Dffff. Rffchfff.
HUMBOLDT
How’s the empire? Buying or selling today?
RACHEL
Hfff cfff yfff…
HUMBOLDT
I’m here at Tan Delicious. Just integrating the new vision statement into day-to-day operations for the big global expansion.
RACHEL
Tcfff cfff fff…
Rachel bends off camera, spits out food. As she comes back into frame, go split screen with Chic. He’s lounging on some beach in smoking jacket.
CHIC
What’s that noise?
RACHEL
Oh, that’s just Hummer castrating pigs again, dad.
CHIC
Hello pickles.
HUMBOLDT
(fighting for the phone.)
Dad…
RACHEL
(fighting for the phone)
Give me…
HUMBOLDT
I called him…
RACHEL (waving him off to lobby)
Back off… Stop. Just get the speaker phone.
Humboldt exits.
RACHEL
Dad, Hummer’s trying to take over the salon? He just came in and shoved me around and claimed rights. Everything was going fine, the place is fine, and he sneaks up… he doesn’t know anything about the business. Letting pregnant women tan, you know how dangerous that is. And he’s hiring people, we don’t have the money for that. I order the supplies. I book the clients, answer the phones. I balance the books. For goddess’ sake. It’s well oiled, dad. Very well oiled.
HUMBOLDT
I can’t find the speaker phone.
Waves him off.
RACHEL
Dad, you have to tell him to back off. He’s just going to screw it up like..
HUMBOLDT
Where’s the speaker phone?
RACHEL
There is no speaker phone, you splenetic freak!.
CHIC
Kids. Kids. Calm down. We can all get along here. Take a breath. Soak a cherry.
HUMBOLDT
Pops, Rachel is off her nut, as usual. I came in to do what you wanted me to do…
RACHEL
What?!
HUMBOLDT
…and she’s clogging up the works, pops. Doing her hippy vampire finger filing gum chewing…
RACHEL
I don’t chew gum
CHIC
Now Fonz, don’t get vicious.
RACHEL
What do you mean he told you to do it? Dad. You’re behind this?
CHIC
He’s getting a degree, pickles. I wanted to give him an opportunity. He needs to start somewhere. Get on his feet. Tan Deluxe is the perfect spring board.
HUMBOLDT
It’s Tan Delicious, pops.
CHIC
Right Tan Delicious. Did I come up with that?
RACHEL
It’s my salon.
CHIC
It’s the family’s salon, Pickles.
RACHEL
He’ll screw it up. Just like everything. He’s bumbling, dad. Remember when he was eleven, and he torched the Volvo with the Christmas tree?
CHIC
I never did understand how he got Volvo in the living room.
HUMBOLDT
I got a puppy that Christmas.
RACHEL
Exactly, dad. Performing miracles where none should be done.
CHIC
Pickles. I’m giving Humboldt the keys. Let’s let the Fonz ride the motorcycle and see how far he can ride.
RACHEL
You’re firing me.
CHIC
No one’s firing you.
RACHEL
I’m not quitting.
CHIC
No one said anything about quitting.
RACHEL
You can’t fire me.
CHIC
No, I can’t.
RACHEL
I’m not quitting.
CHIC
Good for you, Pickles. Look, I’ve got to go.
O.S.: female hands delicately glide over his face
CHIC
I have a meeting. You two play nice.
Hangs up, back to full screen with Rachel and Humboldt. He cockily struts around, twirls the phone, tosses it in the air, and misses the catch.
HUMBOLDT
Put that in your teriyaki tears.
He exits. Rachel is beaten, but stoic.
Humboldt returns with an overstuffed leather chair.
HUMBOLDT
Excuse me.
Rachel parlays with a grand gesture. He struggles to get it in.
RACHEL
Closet.
He gives the chair a final shove.
HUMBOLDT
My office.
RACHEL
You’re the boss... H.
She exits.
10 INT. — HALLWAY — AFTERNOON 10
POV: Camera follows Rachel out the door, through the hallway, to the lobby. Outside the front windows a tow-truck is lifting the thrashed car, DRIVER embroiled in a heated argument with a POLICE OFFICER.
The front door is pushed open by the limping accident VICTIM, head bandaged, delirious. He’s pulling himself inside, but two PARAMEDICS hold him back.
VICTIM
...I need a tan!
PARAMEDIC 1
Sir, we have to get you to the hospital.
PARAMEDIC 2
You look good, sir.
VICTIM
But I’m so pale.
PARAMEDIC 1
Let’s go, sir.
Merv, still watching television, turns to Rachel.
MERV
Nothing’s happening, Rachel. Lobby is under control.
Stunned and officially overwhelmed, Rachel turns back, escaping into the hallway. She opens the first door she comes to:
11 INT. TANNING ROOM ONE — same 11
Pregnant Susie is happily tanning in the artificial glow of “The Apparatus” — an A-Team-approved bed rigged with three tan lid panels and large scoop light roped and wired together, with tubes and fans (cooling system?).
Rachel looks on in numb amazement. Foster comes up behind her.
FOSTER
What do you think?
RACHEL
Perfect. Just perfect.
FOSTER
She seems quite pleased. We haven’t officially met; my name is Foster…
Rachel rudely turns away, walks to the next room, opens the door, walks in, and closes the door.
FOSTER
We’ll catch up later.
12 INT. TANNING ROOM TWO — SAME 12
Rachel is alone at last—with her back to the door, she sighs, then walks to a bench in the center of the room. She sits and deflates, putting her head in her hands. Behind her is a tanning bed, darkly turned off with closed lid. In the dim light another person appears in silhouette behind Rachel.
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
Hang in there honey.
Rachel’s head pops up. She looks around, sees no one, then stares forward, directly into the camera.
BLACKOUT. COMMERCIAL.
ACT IV: CREDITS
13 INT. TANNING ROOM TWO — NIGHT 13
“Reflections” by the Supremes plays on a boom box on top of the tanning bed. A French, Vietnamese, Russian named VLAD THAN, the cleaning guy, is dancing wildly while finishing up wiping the glass of the tanning bed.
END CREDIT SEQUENCE
He begins putting away cleaning supplies into a rolling cart when Rachel opens the door and peeks her head inside.
RACHEL
Hey, Vlad.
He presses stop on the boom box.
VLAD
Hey, Rach.
Rachel examines the room with her eyes, looking for something. Someone? Vlad notices this strange behavior.
VLAD
Why do you search for the dead among the living? He has risen as he said he would!
Rachel stares at him in disbelief.
VLAD
I’ve been a bible movie junkie lately. Did you know Max Von Sydow played Jesus, the Devil, and the Exorcist?
RACHEL
He also played Ming the Merciless.
VLAD
(singing.)
Flash! Ahh, Aaah! Master of the universe...
Rachel pulls her head out of frame and pulls the door closed behind her. Fade to black as Vlad Tan sings on:
VLAD
Flash! Ahh, Aaah! Master of the universe...
END. FADE TO COMMERCIAL. Copyright © K. Brian Neel. All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio or television reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by an information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author.Professional and amateurs are hereby warned that this material, being fully protected under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America and of all other countries of the Berne and Universal Copyright Conventions, is subject to a royalty. All rights including, but not limited to, professional, amateur, recording, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio and television broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are expressly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed on the question of readings and all uses of this play by educational institutions, permission for which must be secured from the author ºs representatives. For all rights, including amateur and stock performances, contact K. Brian Neel. |